Time again to start studying for exams and tests. I don’t know why I bother anymore really. It’s always the same fucked up pattern. I’ll study my ass of for something and it’ll feel at least like it pays off, I can discuss the material with others more nerdy than I (everyone else) be able to keep up and even throw in stuff that they wouldn’t of remembered. But, when it comes to the actual exam:

Multiple Choice?
“Oh well, it’s obvious that A is a trick question and B and D can’t be right, so I’ll choose D” or “The answers D for sure! Easy!”
Essay questions?
Same deal, I’ll write pages and pages. I’ll throw in everything even remotely relevant so that I don’t miss anything out.

And when I’m done I always feel that reassuring wave of confidence wash over me as I walk away. “You gave it your all and did awesome, nice job dude.” All this, despite always lurking in the back of my mind the awareness that no matter how sure I may be of myself, that I’ll never be good at any of this stupid shit, and, like the mouse and the electrified pellet, always thinking that this time could be different, that this time will be different.

But, It’s always naive and stupid. No matter how hard I try and how self-assured I build myself up to be, it’s all so pointless. So now, I’ve got a final Histology exam on Wednesday and I’m just sick. Sick of it all, what would happen if I didn’t even study at all? I’m sure I’d probably end up with the same fucking mark.

I hate school, I hate everyone I go to school with, but most of all I hate myself.
Ciao.

Thinking out loud //